How to build mental strength

You can't control your thoughts

Back in 2016 I trained as a mindfulness-based stress reduction facilitator and I was teaching some of the mindfulness principles to students on a family support and wellbeing degree at the college where I taught. We were following the work of Jon Kabat Zinn and listening to a TED talk given by Andy Puddicombe the founder of Headspace.

What struck me most about learning mindfulness was the notion that we can't control our thoughts. In his TED talk Andy insightfully gifted me with the knowledge that we probably spend about half of our lives lost in thought! Either ruminating over the past, feeling emotions like regret, shame, anger or guilt. Or living in the future conjuring up scary scenarios causing us to worry and be fearful of the future! 

I was SHOCKED to say the least.

Basically what he was saying is that we miss 50 per cent of our life! We miss opportunities to be present with loved ones and experiences that bring us joy. We miss noticing all of the wonderful things around us every day. We miss the small things to be grateful for. We miss the sounds, smells and beauty that's in front of us. We miss listening to full conversations and engaging fully in connection with others. 

Back in 2016 this was a revelation for me as I was guilty of being that person who spent a lot of time in my head. As a busy teacher and mum of three children my day was a hundred miles an hour and I was always thinking about what was in front of me. I rarely stopped to pause and catch my breath (I barely had time for the bathroom, a brew or lunch - if you're a teacher you will understand this!). I lived in my head in constant thought not realising that 'presence' was a thing.

I also learned that you can't control your thoughts, another revelation!

With over 70,000 thoughts a day it seems pretty obvious that you're not going to be able to control them considering that most of them are out of your conscious awareness. Your mind is constantly thinking. Unfortunately the thoughts that you are unaware of are also determining your decisions, actions, feelings and emotions without you even realising. For many of us these thoughts lean more towards a negative, fear driven, self doubt and worry way of thinking and are determining our quality of life. So if we can't control our thoughts and most of them are out of our conscious awareness then what hope do we have for a happy and successful life! 

Curiosity, self awareness and choice 

Thankfully it's not all doom and gloom! In fact when you know how to choose your thinking it can be enlightening, fun and playful if you let it. 

Firstly an attitude of curiosity rather than judgement is a kinder way of building mental strength. For many of us our default setting is to judge our thoughts with a harsh critical voice and take out the metaphorical big wooden stick to beat yourself with. 

Curiosity creates space for a sense of wonder and invites compassion, kindness and empathy with ourselves. With a curious attitude you can begin to notice patterns in your thinking and observe them rather than engage with the story of them. Becoming an observer of your thoughts helps you to see them from a distance for what they are. Just thoughts.

It is the meaning that we attach to our thoughts that give them emotional charge. With an approach of curiosity you gain self awareness and become more in tune with repeating patterns. What are the themes of your thoughts, what is the language that you are using, what is the tone, the rhythm and the pace of your thought? 

Choice is what comes next not control. You get to consciously choose the thoughts that you engage with. You get to choose the meaning that you attach to them. You get to choose how they make you feel and you get to choose the story that you create about yourself and your life. Of course like anything that we learn, learning to choose your thoughts takes practice, discipline, presence and awareness. Do it with a light heart, an attitude of curiosity and enjoy getting to know yourself better. 

You can listen to me talking about this on my podcast unlocking possibilities with NLP & coaching. 

You can listen on APPLE or on SPOTIFY or you can watch on youtube  

Thank you for taking the time to read, I'll see you in another article